Are you considering breaking up or getting a divorce but do not know if ending the relationship is the right decision for you? I can help you clarifying your objectives and options, and the potential outcome of these options.
It is common for couples going to counselling with one partner leaning toward breakup or divorce and the other hoping to stay together. It will be a waste of time and money for both partners to embark on couple counselling without enough motivation and commitment to work on their relationship.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
~Rumi
Objectives of Discernment Counseling
Discernment counselling is most helpful for mixed agenda couples, ie one partner wants to stay and the other wants to go. It is also helpful for couples who are at a crossroad, confused and uncertain what is a right decision for them.
However, it is not recommended for couples where one partner has already made the decision to end the relationship and is only seeking counseling because they want the other partner to accept it.
Discernment counseling differs from other types of couples counseling as follows:
- The goal is not to resolve relationship issues or concerns but to determine whether problems can be resolved
- To help couples make a decision with clarity and understanding of the issues
- To have a closure for the couple so that they can move on if the decision is to part
- It is often a short duration, ranging from three to five sessions
Benefits of Discernment Counselling
When couples are on the brink of separation or divorce, discernment counseling can provide a way to clarify whether the relationship issues can be fixed. It helps couples identify how they are contributing to their relationship difficulties, explore the potential solutions, increase their understanding of what went wrong in the relationship and how they want to move forward.
Through counselling, partners have the opportunity to identify the conflicts and issues between them and consider all options before they make the decision to work on or end the relationship. It would also help couples reduce potential conflict between them while they decide whether to separate, and it can make the separation process easier and have a proper closure if they do decide to end the relationship.
If partners choose to enter couples counselling after discernment counseling, they may benefit by already having identified the core relationship conflicts and what each partner needs to work on in order for the relationship to improve.
Counselling Approach
Discernment counseling is not a treatment process. As such, couples should not expect relationship change between sessions. It is more an assessment process that helps couples decide the next steps in their relationship.
In discernment counseling, couples consider three possible options:
- Status Quo. Make no significant change for now or postponing the decision.
- Ending the relationship. Move towards separation or divorce.
- Launching a 6 months couple therapy with divorce off the table. Both partners are fully committed to making maximum effort to save the relationship.
A Mixed of Individual and Couple Session
An individual session in the beginning for each person to avoid emotional battles with their partner and enable individual to talk freely about their pains and difficulties in the relationship, identify their issues and concerns, and establish goals for the subsequent sessions.
During the first couple session, counsellor creates a safe holding environment for couples to understand each other, guides and supports them through the sensitive decision-making process, helps each partner decide on a direction for their relationship whether that is divorce or one last try to make it work.
Four key questions that couples will be asked during the session:
- What happened in the relationship that caused the partners to consider ending it?
- What has been done to try to fix the relationship?
- How do children, for married couples with children, factor into the decision to end the relationship?
- What were the best times each partner experienced in the relationship?
Subsequent sessions will be a mixed of individual time and couple time depend on the needs and situation. It is a continuation with the discernment process for making further assessment and exploration.
Personality Tests
Individuals are required to take a free online Enneagram personality test (only classical enneagram test) and a Instinctual Variant Assessment, as well as a Quick Sorting Test. And submit their online test result in the “Case Intake Form” before the fist session. The objective of the online test is to identify the possible personality issues that individuals may be facing in relationship difficulties.
Counselling Fee
Find out more about the counselling fee.